Monday, October 28, 2013
Confessions of a first-time momma
So I have a comparison problem, and it has never reared it's ugly head as bad as it has since having a baby. Very shortly after Luke's birth, I found myself reading articles and browsing Facebook quite frequently (mainly while he was nursing). What I noticed next was how much complaining I did in my own heart. Imagine all of this in a woes-me-whiney tone: Our studio apartment is too small. We couldn't decorate a nursery because we don't have one. We don't have a dryer. We can't do clothe diapers because we have an awful washer. We don't own a car. We live on a BIG hill and I can barely carry two bags of groceries and a baby up it. How is Luke going to learn how to crawl or walk if we don't have the space? When is he ever going to feel grass between his toes? How is it that she had a baby two days ago and now her hair is done and make-up is on? How is she fitting into clothes that small already?
I could seriously go on FOREVER!
Everything I complained about was because of looking at what someone else had or was doing and comparing my own situation with it. It was awful and dark and downright depressing.
Then I listened to sermon by Andy Stanley. He was preaching from Matthew 25 about the parable of the talents. If you have never read it, it goes something like this: A man was going on a long journey. So he called three of his servants in and entrusted them with some of his money (talents). Based on their ability he entrusted one servant with 5 talents, another servant with 2 talents, and another servant with 1 talent. The two servants with 5 and 2 talents doubled the man's money. The man considered them good and faithful, and entrusted them with more. The servant entrusted with the 1 talent hid the money while the man was gone and only had the one talent to give back to him. When he gave it back to the man, the servant said that he knew the man to be hard and was afraid of him. He chose to do nothing with what was entrusted to him and blamed it on the man. The man, in turn, punished the servant for not acting wisely with what was entrusted to him.
That's the story in a nutshell. Read Matthew 25: 14-30 for the full parable.
Needless to say, my heart was convicted by this. I have been entrusted with possessions that are not my own. It doesn't matter how much I have been entrusted with; it only matters that I have been entrusted... with a marriage, a sweet baby boy, an apartment (with gobs of things in it like a washer, a kitchen, clothing, ext), and I could go on.
The point being I have been entrusted, so what will I do with it all? Up to this point I have been like the last servant. I feel shafted with what I have been given and so I have complained and belly-ached in my heart. But that is so wrong. Not only does that rob me of the joy of realizing what I do have, but it also doesn't motivate me to make much of what I have.
There are so many other lessons to learn from all of this. But today, this is what God is reminding my heart. What a difference my attitude is towards my circumstances when I look at them through the lens of being faithful to the one who has entrusted me. Now to go and make much of it all....
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Luke's birth story (that he will prolly never want to read)... =)
I have always enjoyed writing to some extent; however, I am really struggling with finding accurate words to describe Luke's birth. If you are not interested in reading about labor and delivery then you should stop reading now.
Friday, September 6th
I was 38 weeks and 5 days. I had a midwife appointment that morning and prenatal yoga. The last week of August I was FULL of energy. I exercised everyday. I cleaned my house from floor to ceiling. I went all over Yokohama. I was on fire! The week of September 6th, I was dead. I was so tired every waking moment. I fell asleep 3 times during my last prenatal yoga class. I forced myself to walk, but I was exhausted doing it. Around 10pm on the 6th, I sent out an e-mail to my doula just letting her know that I was losing my mucus plug. We both knew that, that didn't mean much. I clicked send. Stood up. Looked at Kev and said, "Oh my gosh, I am peeing my pants!" He then asked if I thought my water had broken. I reassured him that I didn't think so and ran to the toilet. Sure enough... the second I sat down water gushed out. I immediately started shaking (I hate that my body does that... shaking, for some reason, is a typical response).
We called our doula. We called the midwife. We called our friends, Jill and Sam. Sam made his way over to our house to give us a ride to the maternity clinic. We were so thankful for this because it's a 45 minute train ride to get there from our apartment. We got to the clinic around 11:30. I was not having any contractions. The midwife told us to get some rest.
Kev laid his futon on the floor and fell asleep around midnight. About 12:30, I had my first contraction. The contractions confused me though because they never felt like they were at the top of my uterus. The only place I felt my contractions was in my lower abdomen and pelvis. I started to time them, and they were all over the place. 2 minutes long. 5 minutes apart. 1 minute long. 1 minute apart. 1 minute 45 seconds long. 8 minutes apart. It continued that way for the next 2 hours. The only thing that changed was the intensity. Each contraction got more and more difficult. I started talking to myself and just repeating "Relax. Relax Stephanie. Relax." It may sound stupid, but if I didn't say it, I would have either panicked or cried because it hurt.
Around 2 am, my contractions were hurting so much that I woke Kev up. From here on out everything gets a little blurry for me. We didn't really know what to do. Should we wake the midwife? Should we call Sara (our doula)? We were under the impression that we had hours and hours of this left, so we were really hesitant to make people wake up too early. Within a half hour I was convinced that we needed to wake people up. I needed Sara in that room because I needed to hear her tell me that this was normal and that I was not dying.
I didn't think labor was going to be easy, but I honestly didn't know it was going to hurt like that.
When Sara got to the clinic, I got on the exercise ball. Kev stood in front of me and I held onto his elbows. With each contraction, he counted for me. His counting was my focal point. During one contraction, he changed his counting to singing. We had talked about how I might like to hear that during labor. I didn't. I started rapidly patting his chest as if telling him to stop. I have no idea what time it was at that point, but I remember that I no longer had a rest between contractions. They just kept coming. A couple times, I couldn't get my body to relax, and I panicked. A little piece of advice: If you are going to do a natural labor, DON'T PANIC! It made the contractions a thousand times worse. I learned quickly that the only way I was going to get through this was to stay as relaxed as possible and to let my body do what it was trying to do.
At some point, I got off the exercise ball. I was on my knees hanging over my bed, and my body was shaking profusely. No one seemed to notice but me though. Kev would push down on my lower back and that helped me so much to keep my focus and stop shaking. Out of no where I had this uncontrollable urge to push, and I couldn't stop. That part really scared me. I didn't know what time it was, but I did know that it was still dark out. It was WAY too early for me to be pushing. In my mind, I still had at least another 10 hours of labor to go through. I was terrified that I was going to tear and tear badly. This was also about the time when I first noticed the midwife in the room. She checked me and told me to push when I felt the urge. I was under the impression that she would tell me how dilated I was, but she never did. In fact, I went the entire labor without knowing anything about dilation or effacing, I only knew what my body was telling me to do.
The pushing phase had it's ups and downs. My body was now giving me a long break between the urges to push, but the actually pushing hurt like no other. I remember crying, but no tears coming out. I remember saying over and over, "I can't do this!" I remember praying and praying and praying for God to be my strength. I don't know how long I pushed on my knees, but eventually the midwife asked if I wanted to go and try to push on the toilet. She said the gravity would help the baby drop down.
So off I went to the toilet. The midwife (in true Japanese fashion) squatted beside me with her hand underneath me the entire time I was on the toilet (at least an hour). Kevin stood beside me and with each urge I grabbed ahold of his hips and pushed for dear life. I looked up during a resting phase and noticed there was a clock above me. It was around 6am. After a while, I needed to change positions so I went back to the bed. Kevin propped up some pillows and got behind me. I started pushing from a semi-reclined position. I remember Sara telling me she could see his head. I remember saying, "No. No. No. I can't do this." Luke was crowning and this was by far the most painful part of the entire process. I pushed a few times. Sara held a mirror for Kevin to watch as he was born. The midwife told me to stop pushing. I am not sure if I did stop or not, but within moments Luke's head was out. He came out screaming before the rest of his body was delivered. They plopped him on my chest. A few minutes later he was already latched on and nursing. The midwife held up my placenta like a I had just won a trophy. I about gagged! Extra organs are not my thing.
The cord stopped pulsing and they clamped it. Kevin got to cut it and within moments Luke had peed and pooped on me! I could not stop laughing.
I do not want to discourage anyone from having a baby or having a natural birth; however, that was the most intense and excruciating pain I have ever been through. The pain won't keep me from having another baby, but it will definitely help me to wait. Overall, Luke's birth was everything I had hoped for. The whole environment was calm, peaceful, and quiet. No interventions were necessary. I did tear a little. It was not enough for stitches, so they put clip on me (yes, it hurt just as bad as it sounds). My pelvis is rightly proportioned, and our baby was no where near 10 pounds. Luke was born on September 7th at 6:58 am. He weighed 3704 grams (8 pounds 2 ounces) and was just shy of 20 inches long. From my water breaking to birth, labor lasted almost 9 hours. Only 6.5 if you start counting from the first contraction.
I cannot stop singing God's praises for the way he worked everything out. I was blessed with a sweet, bilingual, supportive doula. My husband was able to be with me the entire time. He was my constant during labor, and I truly do not think I could have gone through it all without him. My midwife was calm and easy-going the entire process. She let me labor "freestyle" as she likes to say it. Everything was simply peaceful in one of the most painful experiences of my life.
It's now two weeks after Luke's birthday. He is doing awesome! I cannot believe God entrusted us with this little man. In all honesty, I now hardly remember how painful the whole ordeal was. The recovery process is a bit of a drag. In all my studying, I never read anything about how long recovery takes or what you should or shouldn't do. I still have a baby pooch and I am darn proud of it! It's a reminder to me that pregnancy, labor and delivery are no small feat (natural or otherwise). I don't feel like superwoman, and I don't feel like doing this labor thing naturally one-ups anyone. I do, however, feel like I trusted God to guide and direct me in the ways that were best and wise for me and my family.
Here are a couple PG rated photos...
(Our wonderful Doula, Sara)
Friday, September 6th
I was 38 weeks and 5 days. I had a midwife appointment that morning and prenatal yoga. The last week of August I was FULL of energy. I exercised everyday. I cleaned my house from floor to ceiling. I went all over Yokohama. I was on fire! The week of September 6th, I was dead. I was so tired every waking moment. I fell asleep 3 times during my last prenatal yoga class. I forced myself to walk, but I was exhausted doing it. Around 10pm on the 6th, I sent out an e-mail to my doula just letting her know that I was losing my mucus plug. We both knew that, that didn't mean much. I clicked send. Stood up. Looked at Kev and said, "Oh my gosh, I am peeing my pants!" He then asked if I thought my water had broken. I reassured him that I didn't think so and ran to the toilet. Sure enough... the second I sat down water gushed out. I immediately started shaking (I hate that my body does that... shaking, for some reason, is a typical response).
We called our doula. We called the midwife. We called our friends, Jill and Sam. Sam made his way over to our house to give us a ride to the maternity clinic. We were so thankful for this because it's a 45 minute train ride to get there from our apartment. We got to the clinic around 11:30. I was not having any contractions. The midwife told us to get some rest.
Kev laid his futon on the floor and fell asleep around midnight. About 12:30, I had my first contraction. The contractions confused me though because they never felt like they were at the top of my uterus. The only place I felt my contractions was in my lower abdomen and pelvis. I started to time them, and they were all over the place. 2 minutes long. 5 minutes apart. 1 minute long. 1 minute apart. 1 minute 45 seconds long. 8 minutes apart. It continued that way for the next 2 hours. The only thing that changed was the intensity. Each contraction got more and more difficult. I started talking to myself and just repeating "Relax. Relax Stephanie. Relax." It may sound stupid, but if I didn't say it, I would have either panicked or cried because it hurt.
Around 2 am, my contractions were hurting so much that I woke Kev up. From here on out everything gets a little blurry for me. We didn't really know what to do. Should we wake the midwife? Should we call Sara (our doula)? We were under the impression that we had hours and hours of this left, so we were really hesitant to make people wake up too early. Within a half hour I was convinced that we needed to wake people up. I needed Sara in that room because I needed to hear her tell me that this was normal and that I was not dying.
I didn't think labor was going to be easy, but I honestly didn't know it was going to hurt like that.
When Sara got to the clinic, I got on the exercise ball. Kev stood in front of me and I held onto his elbows. With each contraction, he counted for me. His counting was my focal point. During one contraction, he changed his counting to singing. We had talked about how I might like to hear that during labor. I didn't. I started rapidly patting his chest as if telling him to stop. I have no idea what time it was at that point, but I remember that I no longer had a rest between contractions. They just kept coming. A couple times, I couldn't get my body to relax, and I panicked. A little piece of advice: If you are going to do a natural labor, DON'T PANIC! It made the contractions a thousand times worse. I learned quickly that the only way I was going to get through this was to stay as relaxed as possible and to let my body do what it was trying to do.
At some point, I got off the exercise ball. I was on my knees hanging over my bed, and my body was shaking profusely. No one seemed to notice but me though. Kev would push down on my lower back and that helped me so much to keep my focus and stop shaking. Out of no where I had this uncontrollable urge to push, and I couldn't stop. That part really scared me. I didn't know what time it was, but I did know that it was still dark out. It was WAY too early for me to be pushing. In my mind, I still had at least another 10 hours of labor to go through. I was terrified that I was going to tear and tear badly. This was also about the time when I first noticed the midwife in the room. She checked me and told me to push when I felt the urge. I was under the impression that she would tell me how dilated I was, but she never did. In fact, I went the entire labor without knowing anything about dilation or effacing, I only knew what my body was telling me to do.
The pushing phase had it's ups and downs. My body was now giving me a long break between the urges to push, but the actually pushing hurt like no other. I remember crying, but no tears coming out. I remember saying over and over, "I can't do this!" I remember praying and praying and praying for God to be my strength. I don't know how long I pushed on my knees, but eventually the midwife asked if I wanted to go and try to push on the toilet. She said the gravity would help the baby drop down.
So off I went to the toilet. The midwife (in true Japanese fashion) squatted beside me with her hand underneath me the entire time I was on the toilet (at least an hour). Kevin stood beside me and with each urge I grabbed ahold of his hips and pushed for dear life. I looked up during a resting phase and noticed there was a clock above me. It was around 6am. After a while, I needed to change positions so I went back to the bed. Kevin propped up some pillows and got behind me. I started pushing from a semi-reclined position. I remember Sara telling me she could see his head. I remember saying, "No. No. No. I can't do this." Luke was crowning and this was by far the most painful part of the entire process. I pushed a few times. Sara held a mirror for Kevin to watch as he was born. The midwife told me to stop pushing. I am not sure if I did stop or not, but within moments Luke's head was out. He came out screaming before the rest of his body was delivered. They plopped him on my chest. A few minutes later he was already latched on and nursing. The midwife held up my placenta like a I had just won a trophy. I about gagged! Extra organs are not my thing.
The cord stopped pulsing and they clamped it. Kevin got to cut it and within moments Luke had peed and pooped on me! I could not stop laughing.
I do not want to discourage anyone from having a baby or having a natural birth; however, that was the most intense and excruciating pain I have ever been through. The pain won't keep me from having another baby, but it will definitely help me to wait. Overall, Luke's birth was everything I had hoped for. The whole environment was calm, peaceful, and quiet. No interventions were necessary. I did tear a little. It was not enough for stitches, so they put clip on me (yes, it hurt just as bad as it sounds). My pelvis is rightly proportioned, and our baby was no where near 10 pounds. Luke was born on September 7th at 6:58 am. He weighed 3704 grams (8 pounds 2 ounces) and was just shy of 20 inches long. From my water breaking to birth, labor lasted almost 9 hours. Only 6.5 if you start counting from the first contraction.
I cannot stop singing God's praises for the way he worked everything out. I was blessed with a sweet, bilingual, supportive doula. My husband was able to be with me the entire time. He was my constant during labor, and I truly do not think I could have gone through it all without him. My midwife was calm and easy-going the entire process. She let me labor "freestyle" as she likes to say it. Everything was simply peaceful in one of the most painful experiences of my life.
It's now two weeks after Luke's birthday. He is doing awesome! I cannot believe God entrusted us with this little man. In all honesty, I now hardly remember how painful the whole ordeal was. The recovery process is a bit of a drag. In all my studying, I never read anything about how long recovery takes or what you should or shouldn't do. I still have a baby pooch and I am darn proud of it! It's a reminder to me that pregnancy, labor and delivery are no small feat (natural or otherwise). I don't feel like superwoman, and I don't feel like doing this labor thing naturally one-ups anyone. I do, however, feel like I trusted God to guide and direct me in the ways that were best and wise for me and my family.
Here are a couple PG rated photos...
Monday, September 16, 2013
What labor, delivery, and a 10 day old have taught me
I'm not sure how long I have. It seems as if Kevin and I have a child that was born with five stomachs. =)
I will post about labor and delivery later, but I will just briefly say that it was everything I had hoped for and for that, I am WAY thankful!
Here is what mommahood has taught me this far...
1) A new appreciation for my momma. I just want to hug her and tell her thank you because now I know what she went through to have me after already having two other kiddos.
2) My husband is the most amazing superhero ever! There are not strong enough words to convey how much of a help he has been to Luke and me. He is selfless. He is thoughtful. He is our hero!
3) My body is not a lemon.
4) Not being able to share our lil' man with our family in person is down right heartbreaking.
5) We are surrounded with a sweet community of friends! We have had so many meals, snacks, cute lil' baby gifts, and encouraging words and prayers given to us. I am just wowed with the thoughtfulness of our friends. I know I say this all the time, but it is so crazy true... we are sooooo blessed.
6) Nursing covers are from the devil.
7) Toots, poops, and burbs ease this momma's heart.
8) Watching Kev hold Luke and sing silly songs to him melts my heart in a way I didn't know was possible.
9) Luke breaks all of my pet peeves and I LOVE IT! Warm baby breath under my chin is heavenly!
10) I can't swaddle to save my life... and thankfully, Luke's life doesn't depend on it.
Thank you everyone for your calls, letters, FaceBook messages, and visits. I cannot tell you how loved and supported we feel. This is a crazy yet awesome transition in life and we are truly thankful for the people God has placed in our lives. I am sorry to just be getting this out. This is my first time on the computer since Luke was born.
Baby is crying.... momma to the rescue...
I will post about labor and delivery later, but I will just briefly say that it was everything I had hoped for and for that, I am WAY thankful!
Here is what mommahood has taught me this far...
1) A new appreciation for my momma. I just want to hug her and tell her thank you because now I know what she went through to have me after already having two other kiddos.
2) My husband is the most amazing superhero ever! There are not strong enough words to convey how much of a help he has been to Luke and me. He is selfless. He is thoughtful. He is our hero!
3) My body is not a lemon.
4) Not being able to share our lil' man with our family in person is down right heartbreaking.
5) We are surrounded with a sweet community of friends! We have had so many meals, snacks, cute lil' baby gifts, and encouraging words and prayers given to us. I am just wowed with the thoughtfulness of our friends. I know I say this all the time, but it is so crazy true... we are sooooo blessed.
6) Nursing covers are from the devil.
7) Toots, poops, and burbs ease this momma's heart.
8) Watching Kev hold Luke and sing silly songs to him melts my heart in a way I didn't know was possible.
9) Luke breaks all of my pet peeves and I LOVE IT! Warm baby breath under my chin is heavenly!
10) I can't swaddle to save my life... and thankfully, Luke's life doesn't depend on it.
Thank you everyone for your calls, letters, FaceBook messages, and visits. I cannot tell you how loved and supported we feel. This is a crazy yet awesome transition in life and we are truly thankful for the people God has placed in our lives. I am sorry to just be getting this out. This is my first time on the computer since Luke was born.
Baby is crying.... momma to the rescue...
Monday, August 19, 2013
There can be miracles.....
We currently do not have Internet, so I am writing this on my phone. Please forgive the typos and autocorrect mistakes.
Before I go into details on our current situation, I want to put a little disclaimer out there: If you are a momma please know that my opinions are not a judgment on any birthing experience. I am in no way criticizing or judging someone who thinks about all this baby stuff differently than my own thoughts. To each there own.
Ok so here it is..... God has truly placed having a baby as naturally as possible on my heart. Last week when my doctor told me a natural birth would not be possible because of Luke's size, I was confused. Those are two contradictory ideas.
I did not understand how to make sense of the two, but Kev and I whole heartedly trusted that God would sort this all out one way or another.
We met with our doula on Friday for the first time. Amazing is about the only word that sums her up. Regardless of if she agrees with me, she got me. She understood where my heart was with all of this. It was decided at our meeting that she was going to call around to some birth clinics and see if they would even hear our story. You see, in Japan you have to register your pregnancy with an institution (hospital, clinic, ext) as soon as you find out you are pregnant. If you don't, it is close to impossible to get the institution to let you deliver your baby there. We both knew it was very unlikely that a clinic would take me this late into my pregnancy.
By 11am on Saturday, our doula had called us twice with gobs of info. Some of it was discouraging. She had called so many clinics that wouldn't even entertain the thought of accepting me because they said that if a doctor has said our baby is too big and has requested an induction or c-section then an induction or c-section is what I need.
The good news was that she did find a clinic about 45 minutes away that would at least let us visit. midwife was interested in meeting with us and hearing our story.
So at 10am today we went to the maternity clinic and met with the midwife. She showed us around the facility. I gave her all of my medical records for this pregnancy. Not only was I on cloud 9 from seeing the facility and hearing her philosophy on labor and deliver, she also said she would take us on! There was just one thing... We needed to get a second opinion from another doctor.
She made us an appointment with a doctor near her clinic. She drove us there and sat with us. We were there for about 30 minutes. We never saw the doctor or gave him information about Luke. The nurse came out to talk to her and told her the same ol' thing... If my doctor said the baby is too big then he is too big.
The midwife asked us to try one more doctor. She said that if he would not see us then her clinic could not take us. We had to wait until the late afternoon for the appointment. Kev and I went to lunch. We were annoyed, yes, but we also knew that this was it. Whatever this doctor did would be our final say at what to do about Luke's delivery. We would accept that and be ok with it. We prayed. We gave the whole situation over to God again and then just rested in knowing that what will be will be.
At 4 we met with the midwife at our appointment. We waited for a little while and Kev said that just as they called me back, "There can be miracles, when you believe" came on the radio. Coincidence? Ha!
The midwife explained our story to the doctors. We showed them our ultrasounds and paperwork. They seemed to think it was odd that our doctor had scheduled an induction so early on. We had three different doctors exam me with three different ultrasounds and the consensus from all three was that our baby has crazy long femurs, our baby is definitely a boy, and our baby is not too big. And with that the midwife told us we could cancel with our hospital and that she would see me on Friday for an appointment and yoga.
There really can be miracles when you believe. I don't care how cheesy that sounds! We serve an awesome God who is concerned with the details. Praise Him!
Thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers. We are so incredibly blessed with sweet friends and family.
Tomorrow we head to the hospital to officially cancel the induction and to politely explain we will be going elsewhere for labor and delivery.
The other blessing with switching to this maternity clinic is that now we don't have to spend gobs of money on a private room! Yay! We are so happy... So very happy.
Before I go into details on our current situation, I want to put a little disclaimer out there: If you are a momma please know that my opinions are not a judgment on any birthing experience. I am in no way criticizing or judging someone who thinks about all this baby stuff differently than my own thoughts. To each there own.
Ok so here it is..... God has truly placed having a baby as naturally as possible on my heart. Last week when my doctor told me a natural birth would not be possible because of Luke's size, I was confused. Those are two contradictory ideas.
I did not understand how to make sense of the two, but Kev and I whole heartedly trusted that God would sort this all out one way or another.
We met with our doula on Friday for the first time. Amazing is about the only word that sums her up. Regardless of if she agrees with me, she got me. She understood where my heart was with all of this. It was decided at our meeting that she was going to call around to some birth clinics and see if they would even hear our story. You see, in Japan you have to register your pregnancy with an institution (hospital, clinic, ext) as soon as you find out you are pregnant. If you don't, it is close to impossible to get the institution to let you deliver your baby there. We both knew it was very unlikely that a clinic would take me this late into my pregnancy.
By 11am on Saturday, our doula had called us twice with gobs of info. Some of it was discouraging. She had called so many clinics that wouldn't even entertain the thought of accepting me because they said that if a doctor has said our baby is too big and has requested an induction or c-section then an induction or c-section is what I need.
The good news was that she did find a clinic about 45 minutes away that would at least let us visit. midwife was interested in meeting with us and hearing our story.
So at 10am today we went to the maternity clinic and met with the midwife. She showed us around the facility. I gave her all of my medical records for this pregnancy. Not only was I on cloud 9 from seeing the facility and hearing her philosophy on labor and deliver, she also said she would take us on! There was just one thing... We needed to get a second opinion from another doctor.
She made us an appointment with a doctor near her clinic. She drove us there and sat with us. We were there for about 30 minutes. We never saw the doctor or gave him information about Luke. The nurse came out to talk to her and told her the same ol' thing... If my doctor said the baby is too big then he is too big.
The midwife asked us to try one more doctor. She said that if he would not see us then her clinic could not take us. We had to wait until the late afternoon for the appointment. Kev and I went to lunch. We were annoyed, yes, but we also knew that this was it. Whatever this doctor did would be our final say at what to do about Luke's delivery. We would accept that and be ok with it. We prayed. We gave the whole situation over to God again and then just rested in knowing that what will be will be.
At 4 we met with the midwife at our appointment. We waited for a little while and Kev said that just as they called me back, "There can be miracles, when you believe" came on the radio. Coincidence? Ha!
The midwife explained our story to the doctors. We showed them our ultrasounds and paperwork. They seemed to think it was odd that our doctor had scheduled an induction so early on. We had three different doctors exam me with three different ultrasounds and the consensus from all three was that our baby has crazy long femurs, our baby is definitely a boy, and our baby is not too big. And with that the midwife told us we could cancel with our hospital and that she would see me on Friday for an appointment and yoga.
There really can be miracles when you believe. I don't care how cheesy that sounds! We serve an awesome God who is concerned with the details. Praise Him!
Thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers. We are so incredibly blessed with sweet friends and family.
Tomorrow we head to the hospital to officially cancel the induction and to politely explain we will be going elsewhere for labor and delivery.
The other blessing with switching to this maternity clinic is that now we don't have to spend gobs of money on a private room! Yay! We are so happy... So very happy.
Monday, August 12, 2013
inductions, c-sections, and a healthy baby... oh my...
For 35 weeks Bean has been growing and growing. Since day one my doctor has talked about the fact that our baby is bigger than "normal." And it's true. We are having a big boy. As of yesterday, the doctor's guess was that he is about 6.7 pounds. He joked with me at 28 weeks that if Luke kept growing like this then he would be a 10 pound baby. But that was it. Just the mention of how big he could get and some laughs from me, the doctor, and the nurses.
However, at yesterday's appointment, no one was laughing. Luke is fine and healthy. The doctor told us his estimates about weight and length. After that, he took a more serious, slightly threatening tone. He told us that he is concerned that our baby will be too large and that he won't fit through my pelvis. He then went on a tangent about how we need to induce him by 37 weeks (that's August 25) or I will have to have a C-section.
There have been few times where I have felt the life completely sucked out of me, but as he said that I deflated like a balloon losing air. I couldn't look at Kevin. I couldn't even object to what he was saying because I knew that I would burst into tears with the first attempt at speaking.
Since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I have been researching and researching about fetal development, labor, delivery, breastfeeding, and all other things baby. I have read Your Pregnancy and Birth, The Birth Partner, What to Expect When You Are Expecting, Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way, Ready Steady Baby, Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding, and gobs of blogs. I have also watched several documentaries and countless videos on every type of delivery. I did not do all this research to be a know-it-all or to be opinionated. I have been researching because simply put, I live in Japan. I do not understand 85% of what my doctor is trying to communicate to me, and the other 15% is what I think I understand but have been wrong about before. Here is an example (boys you may want to stop reading). At 16 weeks pregnant I had a vaginal exam. While I was in stirrups with my pants off and my lady parts available for all to gaze at, my doctor started talking to me about concerns he had with foods. He started asking me questions about foods, to which I happily explained to him that I was eating all kinds of fruits and vegetables, especially oranges and brussels sprouts (a few of my cravings). He immediately stopped asking questions which I was thrilled about since he was staring at my goods during this conversation. A little later, the one nurse I have found that speaks English approached me to clarify that the doctor was talking to me about fluids, vaginal fluids, not foods. He was a bit confused as to why I was I talking about oranges and brussels sprouts when he was asking me about the color of my discharge. Anyway, just an example of how easily I misunderstand my doctor.
I research because I want to make the best decisions for baby and myself. I do not understand how labor and delivery will work at my hospital. I want to make sure that I understand how my body works and how I was created before I go into labor in a place where I cannot understand hardly anything (the Japanese hospital). In all my research, this is the conclusion I have come to... my body is creatively and wonderfully designed to have a baby, even a 10 pounder, without medical interventions. I understand that emergencies happen and that in those moments c-sections and other medical interventions may be necessary; however, it is my belief that it is for those cases... emergencies.
My problem with my doctor right now is that I am not an emergency. Luke and I haven't even been given the chance to let our bodies do what they are capable of doing. My pregnancy went from natural to an illness in a matter of moments.
We left the hospital yesterday, and I went on a long walk to talk with God about this situation. My doctor thinks that baby is too big and that my pelvic bones were not made to let him through. My doctor is used to 5'2 women who weigh 100 pounds at the start of pregnancy and give birth to babies that average less than 6 pounds at birth. My doctor thinks that we need to speed up a process that God designed and is perfectly natural. My doctor thinks my body is defected and will need surgery in order to deliver this baby if he gets much bigger. I think I would trust my doctor's opinion a little more if he at least gave us a chance at the natural way. So as it stands right now, we can go into labor naturally by August 24, or be induced on August 25 because the baby will get too big, or wait for labor to start naturally but then have to deal with a doctor who is pushy with c-sections and will think it's medically necessary the moment I go into labor.
All that to say that Kevin and I are daily (for me sometimes hourly) surrendering this at His feet. Sometimes I think I know what to pray for and other times I cannot help but to just be still. God is bigger than my doctor, He's bigger than my pregnancy and baby, and He is bigger than me. I do not pretend to understand His ways all the time, but I will rest in them because I know He is a good God who cares. We will continue to seek Him for wisdom and discernment to either accept what the doctor is saying or to go against the doctor's judgment.
On Friday, we are meeting with an American doula who speaks Japanese. She is very educated in childbirth and in the Japanese way of things. We have no doubt that God is sending her to us as a help in this time.
We are also looking at other alternatives (i.e. other hospitals) which have a whole other slew of issues that I won't even begin to write about now.
We covet your prayers.
We'll keep you updated.
It's go time Bean!
However, at yesterday's appointment, no one was laughing. Luke is fine and healthy. The doctor told us his estimates about weight and length. After that, he took a more serious, slightly threatening tone. He told us that he is concerned that our baby will be too large and that he won't fit through my pelvis. He then went on a tangent about how we need to induce him by 37 weeks (that's August 25) or I will have to have a C-section.
There have been few times where I have felt the life completely sucked out of me, but as he said that I deflated like a balloon losing air. I couldn't look at Kevin. I couldn't even object to what he was saying because I knew that I would burst into tears with the first attempt at speaking.
Since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I have been researching and researching about fetal development, labor, delivery, breastfeeding, and all other things baby. I have read Your Pregnancy and Birth, The Birth Partner, What to Expect When You Are Expecting, Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way, Ready Steady Baby, Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding, and gobs of blogs. I have also watched several documentaries and countless videos on every type of delivery. I did not do all this research to be a know-it-all or to be opinionated. I have been researching because simply put, I live in Japan. I do not understand 85% of what my doctor is trying to communicate to me, and the other 15% is what I think I understand but have been wrong about before. Here is an example (boys you may want to stop reading). At 16 weeks pregnant I had a vaginal exam. While I was in stirrups with my pants off and my lady parts available for all to gaze at, my doctor started talking to me about concerns he had with foods. He started asking me questions about foods, to which I happily explained to him that I was eating all kinds of fruits and vegetables, especially oranges and brussels sprouts (a few of my cravings). He immediately stopped asking questions which I was thrilled about since he was staring at my goods during this conversation. A little later, the one nurse I have found that speaks English approached me to clarify that the doctor was talking to me about fluids, vaginal fluids, not foods. He was a bit confused as to why I was I talking about oranges and brussels sprouts when he was asking me about the color of my discharge. Anyway, just an example of how easily I misunderstand my doctor.
I research because I want to make the best decisions for baby and myself. I do not understand how labor and delivery will work at my hospital. I want to make sure that I understand how my body works and how I was created before I go into labor in a place where I cannot understand hardly anything (the Japanese hospital). In all my research, this is the conclusion I have come to... my body is creatively and wonderfully designed to have a baby, even a 10 pounder, without medical interventions. I understand that emergencies happen and that in those moments c-sections and other medical interventions may be necessary; however, it is my belief that it is for those cases... emergencies.
My problem with my doctor right now is that I am not an emergency. Luke and I haven't even been given the chance to let our bodies do what they are capable of doing. My pregnancy went from natural to an illness in a matter of moments.
We left the hospital yesterday, and I went on a long walk to talk with God about this situation. My doctor thinks that baby is too big and that my pelvic bones were not made to let him through. My doctor is used to 5'2 women who weigh 100 pounds at the start of pregnancy and give birth to babies that average less than 6 pounds at birth. My doctor thinks that we need to speed up a process that God designed and is perfectly natural. My doctor thinks my body is defected and will need surgery in order to deliver this baby if he gets much bigger. I think I would trust my doctor's opinion a little more if he at least gave us a chance at the natural way. So as it stands right now, we can go into labor naturally by August 24, or be induced on August 25 because the baby will get too big, or wait for labor to start naturally but then have to deal with a doctor who is pushy with c-sections and will think it's medically necessary the moment I go into labor.
All that to say that Kevin and I are daily (for me sometimes hourly) surrendering this at His feet. Sometimes I think I know what to pray for and other times I cannot help but to just be still. God is bigger than my doctor, He's bigger than my pregnancy and baby, and He is bigger than me. I do not pretend to understand His ways all the time, but I will rest in them because I know He is a good God who cares. We will continue to seek Him for wisdom and discernment to either accept what the doctor is saying or to go against the doctor's judgment.
On Friday, we are meeting with an American doula who speaks Japanese. She is very educated in childbirth and in the Japanese way of things. We have no doubt that God is sending her to us as a help in this time.
We are also looking at other alternatives (i.e. other hospitals) which have a whole other slew of issues that I won't even begin to write about now.
We covet your prayers.
We'll keep you updated.
It's go time Bean!
Saturday, June 29, 2013
As of late...
Forgive my lack of enthusiasm in this post. I am worn out. My face, chest, and hands are being bombarded with hives. I think I have a milk allergy. I am in the beginning stages of changing my diet and cleansing my body of milk. Honestly though, at 30 weeks pregnant all I can think about is getting cozy in my new glider with a massive bowl of ice cream.
The last several weeks have been long with no clear beginning and no immediate end. Kev declared yesterday to be "Date Day". I woke up to french toast and came home to a clean house filled with the aroma of beautiful roses which was then followed by a delicious dinner at a quaint little Italian restaurant down the street. It was simply perfect and everything my heart needed. I am blessed with the best husband!
I had a doctors appointment this week and found out some unpleasant news. I had asked my doctor a while back if Kevin is allowed to be at and involved with the delivery of our baby. Many hospitals in Japan do not allow fathers in the delivery room; however, our hospital does, and our doctor was eager to inform us of this. That being said, a couple weeks ago I found out that there are actually 3 different rooms I will be in during my stay at the hospital: one for labor, one for delivery, and one for recovery. Kevin is only allowed in the delivery room. This made my heart sink. I have not been preparing to labor on my own. I have imagined all of this with Kevin by my side, coaching me through it. I have not been able to attend any birthing classes because most are offered on Saturdays, and I have had to work. They are also all in Japanese which presents another problem.
All of that to say, I have been extremely discouraged most of this week. I had been thinking all this time that Kev would be my filter and wall throughout labor. He would decipher the Japanese that was being said, and he would be the one handling cultural sensitivities leaving me free to labor. I am a fairly strong-willed person, so one of the aspects of labor that has been scaring me recently is the thought that at some point I might get discouraged and want to give-up (I know it's labor and there is no turning back... I am referring to the doubts and thoughts that "I can't do this.") Being strong-willed means that those thoughts and words have rarely, if ever, crossed my mind or slipped out of my mouth. I have been relying on the fact that if that moment comes, Kev will be there to encourage me and to remind that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I'm brought to tears at the realization that he probably won't be by my side when and if that happens.
There are 2 other options that the hospital presented us. 1) We can pay extra for a private room which is OOBER expensive (especially because I have to stay in the hospital for 7 days) but would allow Kevin to be present the entire time, or 2) we can hope to get a private room just for the first 24 hours and then switch to the shared room (in a previous post I mentioned that I will be rooming with 3 other women after delivery... this is the Japan way). The doctor warned me though that the second option is not very likely because there are only 7 private rooms and priority goes to those who have already agreed to pay for the private room for the full 7 days.
After countless discussions with Kev and lots of time praying, I think we are going to go with the second option. I know some won't agree with what I am about to say. The realization is that my struggle with this stems mostly from the fact that I am American. This is not the American way. It's not what has been ingrained in me. If I would have grown up in Japan, this would not be a big deal but would simply be reality. I am not Japanese though and that is why I continue to struggle with this decision. At the end of the day, I have to remember that my hope and strength come from the Lord. We are hoping for the best. We are praying that Kev will be able to be there, but we are resting in knowing that if he can't, I will still not be alone. We would greatly appreciate your prayers about this. We would obviously love to be blessed with a private room for 24 hours, but if that doesn't happen please pray that I would have scripture stored in my heart. Pray that God would give Kev peace as he waits for word on Luke and I. Pray that we would continue to trust in God and not in our circumstances.
In other, more exciting, news, Luke is healthy and active. He's about 3.5 pounds and laying head down. The doctor said his length is twice that of a Japanese baby. We have been able to feel and watch his hands and feet push across my belly. All my tests have come back with good results. So that about sums up life as of late...
The last several weeks have been long with no clear beginning and no immediate end. Kev declared yesterday to be "Date Day". I woke up to french toast and came home to a clean house filled with the aroma of beautiful roses which was then followed by a delicious dinner at a quaint little Italian restaurant down the street. It was simply perfect and everything my heart needed. I am blessed with the best husband!
I had a doctors appointment this week and found out some unpleasant news. I had asked my doctor a while back if Kevin is allowed to be at and involved with the delivery of our baby. Many hospitals in Japan do not allow fathers in the delivery room; however, our hospital does, and our doctor was eager to inform us of this. That being said, a couple weeks ago I found out that there are actually 3 different rooms I will be in during my stay at the hospital: one for labor, one for delivery, and one for recovery. Kevin is only allowed in the delivery room. This made my heart sink. I have not been preparing to labor on my own. I have imagined all of this with Kevin by my side, coaching me through it. I have not been able to attend any birthing classes because most are offered on Saturdays, and I have had to work. They are also all in Japanese which presents another problem.
All of that to say, I have been extremely discouraged most of this week. I had been thinking all this time that Kev would be my filter and wall throughout labor. He would decipher the Japanese that was being said, and he would be the one handling cultural sensitivities leaving me free to labor. I am a fairly strong-willed person, so one of the aspects of labor that has been scaring me recently is the thought that at some point I might get discouraged and want to give-up (I know it's labor and there is no turning back... I am referring to the doubts and thoughts that "I can't do this.") Being strong-willed means that those thoughts and words have rarely, if ever, crossed my mind or slipped out of my mouth. I have been relying on the fact that if that moment comes, Kev will be there to encourage me and to remind that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I'm brought to tears at the realization that he probably won't be by my side when and if that happens.
There are 2 other options that the hospital presented us. 1) We can pay extra for a private room which is OOBER expensive (especially because I have to stay in the hospital for 7 days) but would allow Kevin to be present the entire time, or 2) we can hope to get a private room just for the first 24 hours and then switch to the shared room (in a previous post I mentioned that I will be rooming with 3 other women after delivery... this is the Japan way). The doctor warned me though that the second option is not very likely because there are only 7 private rooms and priority goes to those who have already agreed to pay for the private room for the full 7 days.
After countless discussions with Kev and lots of time praying, I think we are going to go with the second option. I know some won't agree with what I am about to say. The realization is that my struggle with this stems mostly from the fact that I am American. This is not the American way. It's not what has been ingrained in me. If I would have grown up in Japan, this would not be a big deal but would simply be reality. I am not Japanese though and that is why I continue to struggle with this decision. At the end of the day, I have to remember that my hope and strength come from the Lord. We are hoping for the best. We are praying that Kev will be able to be there, but we are resting in knowing that if he can't, I will still not be alone. We would greatly appreciate your prayers about this. We would obviously love to be blessed with a private room for 24 hours, but if that doesn't happen please pray that I would have scripture stored in my heart. Pray that God would give Kev peace as he waits for word on Luke and I. Pray that we would continue to trust in God and not in our circumstances.
In other, more exciting, news, Luke is healthy and active. He's about 3.5 pounds and laying head down. The doctor said his length is twice that of a Japanese baby. We have been able to feel and watch his hands and feet push across my belly. All my tests have come back with good results. So that about sums up life as of late...
Friday, April 26, 2013
Phasing Out
I remember, several years ago, sitting down with my small group and
choosing an adjective to describe each member. When it was my turn for them to describe me, the consensus
was “passionate.” I have ALWAYS hated that word. In my mind there is a negative
connotation with it. But, that is
what they chose, and I have to admit it’s true. If you know me at all, it is extremely uncharacteristic of
me to do anything in life half-hearted. That includes teaching.
I have been a teacher for 6 years. 6, very devoted, crazy with
passion, years of education. And,
that time is now coming to an end… I think. July 19th marks my last day as a professional
teacher. I will be transitioning
into the role of a stay-at-home-super-momma. Being the passionate person that I am, you’d think my heart
would be super uneasy about this decision. However, I find it to be quite the opposite. I’m relieved.
Please don’t misunderstand. I have loved being a teacher. Even when there were painful tears
involved, I have still loved being a teacher. Reminiscing about my students brings absolute joy to my
heart. They have made all the
red-tape and cranky parents worth it.
Even still, the one adjective that comes to mind when I think about this
chapter of my life closing is relieved.
I know some won’t understand this and others won’t agree, but it seems
like throughout the last several years of my life, my heart has been longing to
be a wife and mother. That desire
has been making this transition easier.
I have been working since I was 12. The thought of not having an income is just weird. But I am convinced, with all my being,
staying at home and building my house is where God wants me. Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman
builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears it down.” I am excited about the passion that is
stirring within me to build this house.
I am giddy, yes giddy, about pouring all I am into being a wife and
mother. This is the best way I
know how to serve, honor, and glorify God, who has been so graciously showering
me with blessings.
I feel like I have made good use of the time I was single. It was never a guarantee that I would
get married and I was NOT about to just sit around and wait for that to
happen. I graduated from high
school (which if you knew me back then, you would understand just how big of a
miracle that actually is). I got a bachelor’s degree. I got a master’s degree.
I went on missions trips to countries in Africa, to Haiti, to Ecuador, and now
to Japan. I traveled to Costa Rica,
to Canada (BC and the Yukon people…. They’re friggin’ beautiful!), to Mexico,
and to Thailand (yes, I know I was married for two of those, but still!) I moved over 2000 miles away from my
family and friends to start teaching.
I have traveled all over the US, including Alaska and Hawaii, and I’m
not done yet! My life has been
greatly blessed. And this next
chapter is just a blessing beyond words.
I’m not sure how to close this post without repeating what I have
already said. I am relieved. I am blessed. I am giddy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)